subtitled – who stole my compass…
Well – woke up this morning at the crack of dawn as we had loads and loads of things to do today, not least get the house cleared up (– well pathway from front door to back door through the house would have been nice – I have found I must limit my ambitions to those which are achievable – to avoid undue disappointment you understand.)
So I had a load of grief going around in my head, so decided before the day could impact into it, best get myself sorted out and perhaps blog about it…
So I wrote a blog – not just any old blog – but a VERY lengthy and convoluted one. Seems I have got over my writer’s block – the first signs are always when I start talking and listening to myself !
The blog was about my total inability to find some working space, and get myself out of this “unemployable” status. I need working space that is which isn’t linked with someone wanting me to do something, sell or generally promote their business, rather than concentrate on my own creative thoughts in a sheltered and protected environment.
I need to do something for me in my future, rather than just be viewed as an unpaid and abused and misunderstood administrator of the “T Roadshow”.
Looking at the text I had written I realised a couple of very profound things
1. Writing things down helps make a lot of my ideas, thoughts, frustrations etc. a lot clearer and organised – less of the rambling and more of the clear construction and thought process. I could see logical patterns emerging and resolutions were forming on the page faster than I could fill in the bullet points.
2. Writing things down because I was going to blog about it, overcame my natural resistance to just writing down a formal plan. What I had before me was a very effective SWOT sheet. Now if I had sat down to actually achieve that… well I would be sat here now!
Wow – I am now a genius in my own lifetime and all of that was before 8.30 this morning…
Then the world came crashing in. Tree Surgeons arrived a day early unannounced, forms were completed and processed out of sync, couldn’t log into my bank account with the new card reader, and then not one but two friends arrived in quick succession – open house here guys – glad to see normal service resumed.
What had happened to my resolution to shut the world out and go at my pace – it was only 10.30 and I was distraught already, with a house inspection due this afternoon.
B arrived, took one look at the chaos and thankfully took control. Mostly ordering people out, ringing and rebooking house inspection, and whizzing off to get me a McD – comfort food. I do so like that man very much…
So at 2.09 pm I have managed to get back to my desk and get on with my very lengthy and convoluted To Do List.
Oh and worked through the outline of running an exhibition later in the year start of next, oh and …………
What I have established though – VERY firmly – is that my Indi-Dyeing dreams and experimental developments are just that – MINE. I have no ambition at all to set up a stall, float around craft fairs or get involved in creation of clubs and shops. I found myself being talked into that possibility again this morning, and whilst having tinkered with the idea whilst so much else was changing in my life, have decided that is definitely not the route I would like to take - so have put a definite stop to it now.
I love what others do, and I thrilled and excited by some of the new clubs which are emerging and have signed up to them – full of energy and inspiration. I just don’t want to get into that exhaustive hard work that goes on underneath and the commitment is something I am not able or willing to take on.
I do like the idea of working towards a finite project though and an exhibition (well more of an intimate “show”) is something which has been ticking around my brain for a while now. Working with another person would be an ideal way forward as we could bounce ideas and I could focus my constructions and creativity to a theme.
It would also allow me to put my toe back in the water and see if my ability to cope with stress has improved – linking admin with something pleasant and creative would be a nice change and a very positive start.
or am my own worst enemy?.. now where did I put that plan?