Thanks everyone for all your amazing words and good wishes. Life goes on very much as normal at Chez Maison Hubble despite the mind blowing nature of recent events.
I have now had to give up being employed, and am working on personal projects and generally creating a vision of how this new world will look like for me personally (not being selfish here - everyone else has experts helping them!).
No – I realised very quickly on Monday morning that I was being sucked unwittingly into a vortex of visions imposed upon me and mine, rather than the “win” enabling the breathing space of responses to choices.
So this brings me to my other thought of the week so far – I have a friend who I had assumed would make an ideal colleague in “DyeVerse” as she has a lot of complimentary skillsets to mine. But when I talked through with her some of the marketing plan (before the benefit of knowing I had financial backing – so I was filling out an application for a grant) - every other response was phrased “now she was 50 she…. couldn’t do this, couldn’t do that, and couldn’t do the other”.
I tried to interject and explain that I too was 50 and doing all the things as part of my daily life that she felt she should not nor be expected to. But this point was skipped over – it felt like an inconvenient truth.
Which left me wondering what she thought she could bring to the table for “DyeVerse” rather than take from the table that “DyeVerse” had already laid…. I understood she needed an income, but didn’t understand what USP she was offering in return for that income – as so many were excluded! I ended up the conversation wondering why I was even having it, and what an unequal partnership that would have been! But it did leave me considering the philosophy of her argument.
I thought about all the things that I can’t do now I am 50. I am categorically not going to climb a mountain, or go underwater caving – I think we can exclude bungee jumping quite safely, along with extreme sports and roof jumping. These are all things though that I wouldn’t have done when I was 40, 30 or 20 even – because I hate heights and am risk averse, and can’t swim. So I am not really closing any doors or avenues in my future by excluding them.
But there are a lot of things I can do and want to do which haven’t even occurred to me yet, because I haven’t had the time or opportunity to consider them or let the thoughts come in and inform my life choices. The last five years has been about survival I haven’t had the luxury of time to consider dreams and aspirations. DyeVerse is very fledgling and without protection and investment of time and energy it will go under. It is not a life raft for others to climb onto.
So now that I am 50 – I now have the opportunity to do an awful lot of things – just need to take a breathe and work out what I actually want to do and how to go about it. It would also help if I focused on my own needs, rather than feeling selfish if I don’t assist with lost causes.
So I unreservedly, thank this acquaintance who so unwittingly signposted the next step!