Thursday, 24 March 2016

Silence and Spring

Hi Guys – I am still here…. sort of.  Waving – not drowning…. and I feel that I can now break my blogging silence, as the weight of depression and chaos has lifted – albeit – temporarily from my shoulders.




I have still been writing, but have resorted to pen and paper, as it was far less intrusive to my thought process.  I found that switching on the computer, waiting for it to fire up, then have a discussion with the Mother Ship, floating around in the Outerweb, meant that I often had to weight anything up to an hour, switching it on and off to reboot, before actually writing what I wanted to write. 


Fairly, destructive to my creative flow. I also found that I couldn’t cope with the noise of the computer running.  I know it isn’t very loud, but it is insistent and demanding, the same as the washing machine and dishwasher or tumble dryer.  I was listening out for the noise, because when it stopped, I knew that was my cue for action – and I ended up unconsciously timing everything around it, which meant I was wasting a lot of time.


I became conditioned to react to the absence of noise. 


As to the other areas of my life, they are also on hold.  But – spurred into action by an unexpected phone call, demanding intense soul searching, a couple of weeks ago, on Friday I made some really important decisions, that this time I am going to stick to, as part of my five year goal. 


The last three years have shot past in a blur, mostly because I have been waiting and occupying my mind as best I can, and just wishing the time away 


“it will be ok when that is sorted out”;

“I can’t do that yet, because I need an answer to this, which will impact into that”

“I need to speak to them at that appointment, so that with the answers I can go to the next appointment”



You get the drift…


Hours of my life just wasted by others, and me letting them, giving the right, by just acquiescing and acceptance.  Anything for a peaceful life.


This really is my time now, to make the memories and have the adventures that go down in the family archive, and chronicled under the heading What is Batty Nanny doing now?  


I know, I know I have said this before and make no apologies for not having the strength or breathe sometimes to fight for what is, after all my human right, to live my life as I see fit. 


Sometimes I just need to sit and think, just pause, reboot, and that opportunity has been denied me by others, without even thought or consideration.  Ta very muchely…..


“You will miss me when I am in Africa……” – or Wales, or ……whatever…….





Monday, 12 October 2015

When I am old

 

It is forty years this week since my Mother died.     I was 15 and hardly knew her as an adult, only as the child.   Therefore, I didn’t know what questions to ask, which would be vitally important in the years to come to try to make sense of my ancestry.   Never could get a straight answer from Dad, and the secrets remained just that… secrets, until Ancestry.Com became easy to access. 

Not sure whether that actually made things better or worse.  At least I could comfort myself I had a vivid imagination, until I was confronted with documentation – written by human hand and generated by significant events - birth certificates, marriage certificates – all kinds of certificates marking her passage through life and mine. 

She was an accomplished woman before her marriage, and would have remained so if the custom of the 1960s was for married women to give up work and stay at home.  She had won a scholarship to Redmaids and I still remember her painting at our kitchen table, using orange scrap paper and a tin paint box to paint a picture to enter into the parent’s section of a competition at the school fete. 

I never found out what happened to that picture, not even sure it was entered, but can remember the beautiful colour combinations and wondering why I couldn’t paint like that…. and now I get so much pleasure out of my painting – it must be inherited – as so do my children and their children. 

My mum left behind a catalogue of poetry, some published, some still in the form of scribbles.  Going through the pages tonight, cherishing the connection of her handwriting with her memory,  I left home soon after her death, and could take little with me – I chose well with hindsight – her folder of poems. 

I found this one, which is quite ironic…. as she didn’t grow old, she died at 48 of Breast Cancer. 

 

When I am old and many days been used

As by a glowing fire I sit,

Then of the past, not future, I shall think –

Mind over memories will flit.

 

And the world which must be lived in now

Will surely seem different then.

I wonder if I shall envy the young –

Wish to be youthful again?

 

I know that there will be many things

That could have been dealt with better,

But isn’t that the way of life

And our chief, restraining fetter?

 

So I’ll merely hope that when such age I reach

And peaceful rest fills every day,

With shaking head I won’t to the young folk preach

“Children were not like that in my day!”

 

Goodnight mum – sleep tight…. xxxx  I miss you still more than you could ever know.